“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. ‘Eat, drink and be merry,’ he says to you. But, his heart is not with you.” (Prov. 23:7)
We hear it all of the time. “We’ve grown apart”. “We just don’t love each other like we used to.” “The thrill is gone.”
These words and others like them have become so much a part of the American vocabulary, that we just accept them with a “that’s the way it is” attitude, even within the Church. With the divorce rate at 50% in the Church and so many mediocre marriages within the Church, maybe we need to take a reality check on how we view the marriage relationship. We have come to a point to where we just assume that romance will disappear from the marriage. So, when it does, we think that it is natural. Guess what! It’s not!!!
Romance is a mindset. For as he thinks in his heart, so he is.You are as you think you are. Once you are married, the first step to being a husband is to think as one. If you still think as single man, that’s how you will act. Thinking as a single man when you are married is a guaranteed path to a failed marriage. Notice that it doesn’t say, “as he feels in his heart” so he is. It’s not about feeling like a husband, it’s about thinking as one. Thinking indicates that there’s a decision to be made. You decide to think as a husband. You make a commitment to do it and then you do it. The same is true for being a wife by the way. But, there’s more.
Again, romance is a mindset. It begins and ends with how we choose to think of each other. So often, the business of everyday life alters our perceptions of each other. Day in and day out, we get caught up in our daily duties: Go to work, pay the bills, take care of the kids, wash the clothes, cook the food and so on and so on. “Eat, drink and be merry he says to you, but his heart is not with you.” We do all of the right things time and again, day after day, year after year. We take care of business. It’s just that our hearts are no longer into each other. . We do it out of duty, just because we know we should. We begin to think of our spouses as responsibilities. The thrill is gone. And, since all of the pundits (psychologist and ministers) have always told us that the romance would’t last anyway, we just assume that this is as good as it gets.
How many times have you heard, “Romance doesn’t last in marriage. So, you have to establish a good, strong friendship with each other”? Think about this. When a celebrity couple gets divorced, what’s the first thing they always say? “We’re getting a divorce BUT WE ARE STILL FRIENDS.” What happened? They left their friend at home and ran off with their lover. Friendship is not enough to take a marriage out of the depths of mediocrity. If you think it is, try this experiment. Husbands go sit on the couch. Wives sit next to your husbands and lay your head on his shoulder. Husbands, put your arm around your wife and pull her close to you. Now just relax and enjoy each other’s closeness. Feels good doesn’t it? Now, ask yourself, which one of your friends would you want to be doing this with? Friendship is not enough.
There are a few scriptures on friendship in the Bible, but, not a whole book. There are a few scriptures on being a good father, mother and good provider…But, not a whole book. God devoted a whole book in the Bible on romance in marriage: The Song Of Solomon. Plus many other passages. He doesn’t spend a lot of time trying to get us to understand friendship in marriage. He does spend a lot of time trying to get us to understand romance in marriage. If God thinks romance is that important, why don’t we? It’s time we refocus our energies. Friendship is automatically included in Biblical romance so you don’t have to strive for it. Put the energy into building up the romance.
Romance is a mindset. It’s about more than candy, cards, flowers and sex. It’s about how we think of each other. It’s not about what you can get from each other, but rather, what you can give to each other. Part of the fruit of the Spirit is self-control. Self-control also means that you can control how you think. That means that you can think of your spouse as sensual, as sexy, as desirable as you want to. It’s your choice. Again, it’s not about how you feel.
That’s Hollywood romance: “We’ve lost that loving feeling” so we must not love each other anymore. We must have grown apart since we don’t feel the thrill anymore. Biblical love and romance are not based on how you feel. You are not always going to feel loving and romantic. That’s not a problem. The problem comes when you allow your feelings to dictate your actions. You don’t feel like doing the acts of love, so you don’t do them. Hollywood: Follow your feelings. Bible: Follow your head. Feelings can fool you if you allow them to lead your head.
Following your feelings make you self-centered. Self-centeredness destroys a relationship. The feelings say, “She made me mad. I’m not going to massage her feet.” The head says, ” She got on my nerves and I just don’t feel like massaging her feet. But, she’s had a very difficult day and I know she’s really tired. I’ll get the massage oil.” You know it’s the right thing to do. And if you do the acts of love, God will then bless you with the feelings of love. You start rubbing her feet and before you know it, you are feeling so much more love for her because your concern was for her and not for yourself. Jesus died for us while we were yet sinners because of His love for us. That was a sacrifice of love. Real romance will sometimes require a sacrifice of love.
Romance is a mindset. It’s the intimacy that you build with each other. It’s how you choose to think of each other. As he thinks in his heart… If you think of yourself as a romantic spouse, you will do what it takes to be a romantic spouse. Spend time during the day thinking about each other, fantasizing about each other, loving each other. Create an atmosphere of intimacy with each other. Be glad to see each other when you get home.
There is so much to be said in this area. But, if you just remember, romance is a mindset. It’s about how you think of each other, you will be off to a good start in building a strong, loving, sensual, sexual, romantic relationship that will last as long as you want it to last. If you do the acts of love, God will always bless you with the feelings of love. So, by doing it His way, we can never “grow apart”. God will always bring us together. He knows romance and He’s trying to teach it to us.